Roll Over, Pythagorus!

I have some very bad news for the World of American Thought: Philosophy is now a registered trademark in the United States. At least in lowercase ... philosophy^® ... as the villains who have done this apparently do not have access to typefaces with capital letters other than that little R in the circle.

The only legal safety at present is to make certain to capitalize the word in all uses, employing it, preferably enclosed in quotation marks, either at the beginning of a sentence or elsewhere with a face-saving “sic,” as follows:

1. “Philosophy” derives from the ancient Greek φιλοσοφία, meaning “love of wisdom.”
2. The “Philosophy” (sic) of Emmanuel Levinas is beyond me.

The same people have also trademarked “purity,” though apparently with no success to date in registering it, as it is rendered thus: purity^tm. Similar restrictions have been placed upon “hope,” though only under certain circumstances. “Hope,” standing alone, is apparently safe. After all, to trademark “hope” would be … audacious!

But, beware! Both hope in a bottle^® and hope in a jar^® have been captured. Here’s the label copy from the latter:

philosophy®: where there is hope there can be faith. where there is faith miracles can occur. [1]

Wait a minute! Faith comes first (though it does precede the miracle). Otherwise, wow. I’ll bet some folks in Washington (D.C.) wish they could peddle that one!

At least it appears that “faith” and “miracle” are safe from trademarking for the time being, as are “charity,” "joyful," "heart," and, except in certain circumstances, “grace” (see below).

Haven't guessed yet? Here’s the label from a product called purity^tm made simple (oh, if only!):

philosophy^®: purity is natural. we come into this world with all the right instincts. we are innocent, and therefore perceive things as they should be, rather than how they are. our conscience is clear, our hands are clean, and the world at large is truly beautiful. it is at this time that we feel most blessed. to begin feeling young again, we must begin with the most basic step of all; the daily ritual of cleansing.

Once again, wow (i.e., sheesh). Ignoring the (très moderne) lowercase offenses, the comma splices, the semicolon misuse, the as/how parallelism problem, the conceptual difficulty in "our conscience," the clichéd and pedestrian "world at large" and "truly beautiful," and the fact that the writer obviously has never been a parent, doesn’t this just … just … I can’t adequately express my thoughts here.

So I guess I’ll just go wash my face! Yes indeedy. purity^tm made simple is not part of a religious (though perhaps a quasi-religious) rite; it’s a “one-step facial cleanser.” After the use of which it is recommended that you follow up with one of two miracle moisturizers. Because where there’s skin cream, there is hope, in a bottle^® (for "troubled" skin) or in a jar^® (for all skin types).

And while you're at it, you can can spruce up with a couple more contributions from philosophy^®. You might try inner grace^tm—in shampoo or shower gel—followed by one of the three fragrance graces: inner grace^tm, amazing grace^tm, and pure grace^tm.

It would appear, then, that for the moment "grace" alone is safe (heh, heh). Just don’t use it with the traditional adjectives, else you could be hauled before a tribunal. And I suppose we should be grateful that philosophy^® has so far failed to produce beauty^tm or truth^tm. Or most importantly repentance^tm.

But these are good-hearted folks. In fact, if you buy something from the charity category of philosophy^® (including joyful heart, a “charity shower gel”), they will contribute to a worthy cause of their choice.

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make fun of anyone …. Actually (my four-year-old grandson Aaron’s favorite word), yes, I do. For beyond all faith in skin-care miracles, beyond all promise of bottle or jar, beyond even graceful spritz or suds or charity shower gels, products don’t make people. It’s the other way around. And that, Horatio, is my “Philosophy” (sic).

[1] All italics in this post are mine, meant for emphasis, or to distinguish nonsense from my own clear prose. The boldface belongs to the villains.

By way of full disclosure, at the time of publication Mrs. Thayer owned and used the following products: purity^tm made simple and hope in a bottle^® (her skin being perennially troubled), as well as, more recently, hope in a jar^®. She has found them all to be over priced, but otherwise excellent.